What Makes the Award Go ‘Round

June 21, 2010

You know those little stickers that appear on books all over the library? The ones that say things like “Caldecott Medal” or “Gateway Nominee” or “National Book Award”? They’re everywhere! It seems like there’s an award for everything, whether it be horror novels (The Bram Stoker Award), cozy mysteries (The Agatha Award), or representations of Latino culture in youth literature (The Pura Belpré Award). So why not add a few more? Here are my humble suggestions for new literature awards.

• The World’s Largest Twine Ball Award. To be awarded to the best book of world records. Presented annually in Darwin, Minnesota, the home of the World’s Largest Twine Ball (or one of them, anyway).
• The Lizzie Borden Award. To be awarded to the best hatchet instruction manual.
• The Blackbeard’s Chest Medal. To be awarded to the first author who can find Blackbeard’s lost buried treasure. X marks the spot!
• The Milton Q. Drubbs Award. Milton doesn’t read, but he’s always wanted his name on a blue ribbon.
• Farmland’s Best. To be awarded to the most extensive book on butchery. Presented annually at the Iowa State Fair.
• The Golden Carburetor. To be awarded to the most-read car repair manual of the year. Second- and third-place winners receive the Silver Radiator and the Bronze Dipstick, respectively.
• The Billy Shakes Award. To be awarded to the book that best makes Shakespeare accessible to youth. Presented bi-annually at Stratford-upon-Avon.
• The Manolo Blahnik Medal. To be awarded to the book that looks best with a pair of metallic slingback stilettos.