Football Matters

August 18, 2011

Football, at last, has made its triumphant return, and fans everywhere have breathed a collective sigh of relief. As such, it stands to reason that for the next few months, the airwaves will be literally saturated with gridiron talk.

As any football fan will tell you, the game’s terminology is a veritable foreign language of phraseology that only seasoned veterans of the sport will immediately understand. So in the interest of helping any newbies struggling to watch these weekend gladiatorial contests, we offer this abridged dictionary of terms likely to be encountered during the upcoming period of pigskin frenzy. 

Free Agent: A proverbial "pig in a poke",  this is a player who performed exceptionally well elsewhere, who then tanks like a brick after coming to play for your favorite team. Said player has usually been paid huge loads of cash to come stink up the field, thus raising the ire of hometown fans. 

Touchdown: The act of a small oblong ball crossing a demarcated line, which leads to the scoring team being awarded 6 points. Depending on the team you favor, this can be a mythical El Dorado scenario that never comes to fruition. 

Forward pass: When a television remote leaves a user’s hand in rapid flight across the room after a particular egregious call against one’s team. This can also be caused by the failure of a particular team to score a "Touchdown".

Cheap Shot: Anything the opposing team does to stop your team from being successful. Curiously enough, this is often referred to as "a smart play" or "hustle" when executed by your guys.  

Holding: When a fan delays using the restroom until the televised game has cut away to a commercial.  

Red Zone: A critical mass situation resulting from "Holding" for longer than is reasonably advisable.

Hurry Up Offense: When one has entered the "Red Zone" and must immediately break away from the game to correct the situation.

Delay of Game: When your spouse asks you questions about housekeeping and/or yard work during the most important parts of a football game. This can sometimes lead to a "Personal Foul”.

Personal Foul: When a spouse deposits some item related to housekeeping and/or yard work into one’s lap during the most important parts of a football game. Personal Fouls are invariably followed by a "Blackout".

Blackout: When a spouse turns off the television during the most important parts of a football game. This can sometimes happen simultaneously with a “Personal Foul” and is almost always preceded by a “Delay of Game". 

Interference: Anything that happens during football season that isn’t in some way related to the game. Examples of this can be work, school, shopping, phone conversations not related to football, and childbirth.

Home Field Advantage: The myriad reasons -- Traffic, wind chill, parking fees, crowds, and high dollar beverage prices to name a few-- that justify watching the game in the comfort of your home rather than going out to the stadium.

Rick G.
Platte City Branch