The Cake Conspiracy

November 08, 2011

Birthday cake is a conspiracy theory. I know that this sounds crazy, but there is plenty of evidence to support this. Just compare it to pie. Almost every single holiday has a specific coordinating pie to go with it: apple pie, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, etc. When you go to restaurants, it is completely normal to see a slice of apple pie and scoop of ice cream on the menu, or even a slice of one of those seasonal pies. However, you are far less likely to find a menu that says "Chunk of Chocolate Cake: $3.00" or something along those lines. This brings me to my second point.

Now, for as delicious as pies are, they are generally more labor-intensive and difficult to make. Even after you manage to make the perfect crust, carefully kneading the dough until it had reached its maximum potential for future flakiness, even if you mix the filling to optimum deliciousness, everything can be ruined at the last moment. If you burn it, you have to scrap it and go back to square one of purchasing a plethora of expensive ingredients. Cakes, on the other hand, are far easier. You empty out the powdered contents of a $2.50 box, add a little oil and a couple eggs, and pop it into the oven. Even if you burn it a little, that’s okay. You can just cut that part off and liberally slather on a layer of icing – no one will even know the difference. This doesn’t even touch on the issues of how pies don’t go nearly as far as cakes do. It’s easier for the person throwing the party to provide cake instead of pie.

After considering all of this, there is the simple explanation for why we receive the lesser goodie for our birthdays: The birthday person is not the one making it.

Heather G.
Oak Grove Branch