Burr and Hamilton to Radio Show Host: "Hello America! We're Back!"
December 09, 2010
Pushcart Prize Nominee Gabe Durham recently sat down with founding fathers Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr on his fictional radio show as they came clean about their bumpy past and their ruddy future. Thanks for the transcript Gabe!
Gabe the Babe here, coming at you live from KXOO Radio. With me in the studio, historical men Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. Let me just start by saying "Wow". So, you’re these founding fathers. You Were There. Declaration. Big War. Constitution. Emancipation. Woodstock. I mean—I know this sounds—whatever—but what was it like? What was the flavor of the era?
Burr: Whew, yeah, it was a whole different thing.
Hamilton: No cars, no rollerblading.
Burr: No low-frequency radio stations, that’s for sure.
Hamilton: Indians were still a big thing. Slaves.
I’m on both of your Wikipedia’s too, looking for material. They’re big pages! You guys really are famous.
Hamilton: Yeah. Not gonna lie, I had a buddy start my page. But once it got going—I mean people add stuff to it all the time, people I don’t even know.
Look! Right there. July 11, 1804. New Jersey. Aaron challenged you to a duel… you accepted… even though your oldest son just died in a duel…Couldn’t you have just had it out on message boards and then ignored each other at parties?
Hamilton: We did all that, too.
Burr: It was a serious thing. Hamilton would publicly say all this nasty stuff and it’d be in the paper. I lost sleep. I mean it was bad.
Hamilton: For me, it was more of a sport. Kick him around, watch him squirm.
Burr: Yeah, you were having a great time.
Hamilton: I was.
But now you seem to be fine with each other.
Hamilton: Well that’s a good segue. Because that we’re touring to promote a book we coauthored.
Burr: It’s called I Hate You With All My Body. It starts on the day of the duel and then moves ahead from there. Hamilton’s death, the rest of my life, my death, and then our eventual reconciliation and friendship.
Hamilton: We were both jerks is basically the book’s thesis.
Burr: But that’s how it was back then. So many ego! You couldn’t go five minutes at the Constitutional Convention without a guy taking off his glove and slapping someone.
Hamilton: So self-serious, all of us in our wigs.
Burr: And the thing is, now, I just can’t even remember what I was so mad about. I mean I remember it, but I look at this guy sitting next to me and all I see is a friend.
Hamilton: Back atcha, buddy.
Aww. I wish our listening audience could see what I’m seeing right now. I seriously just x’ed out of Wikipedia and got on Amazon to buy their book. That’s how moved I am right now.
Burr: I hope your audience does the same, Gabe. Although we actually get more of the money if you order it from-
Honestly? There’s nobody listening. My wife, maybe, if we’re lucky.
Hamilton: Kinda got that vibe.
Burr: Whatever. This is a good dry run for the Today Show tomorrow.
All you hypothetical listeners, please now enjoy side one of Green Day’s Dookie. And thanks for listening, honey. I’ll be home soon.
South Independence Branch