Best Blog Ever

October 15, 2012

Yes, I've heard of "writer's block." The condition wherein one who considers him or herself a writer cannot think of anything to write. I know that I've suffered this affliction a few times. I'm even used it (unsuccessfully) as an excuse in school for not getting papers written in time. But then, some years ago, I read a quote from the weird and wonderful author Clive Barker, who is a personal favorite of mine. I am paraphrasing, but he said something to the effect of writer's block not being a real thing...that a true writer will always find something to write about, even if it's nonsensical stream-of-consciousness type stuff. One will always find a path to go down as the words come out.

So, that's where I am today. You are lucky enough to read a blog about nothing. That's right, nothing. Perhaps, I could write about the recent conversation we just had. About how proud I was that I turned a co-worker's statement into a limerick...and kept it a clean limerick! We discussed how limericks frequently turn naughty. I made a clever joke to another co-worker, and she told me to shut up. I was thinking about the statement "shut up!" and how it can be used in so many ways, and how the inflection or tone of voice can make it an angry or cute statement. I then started thinking about how my mom forbade me from saying it when I was a little boy, which led to me never wanting to hear it now...as if those two words put together are as bad as the foulest curse words we hear on late night cable movies. And while we're thinking about it, why is it "shut up"? Shouldn't it be "shut down"? I mean, you are trying to tell the person you are talking to (or yelling at) to "shut down your talking!"  And why do we talk "to" someone, but yell "at" the same person...with the volume of our voice really being the only difference to determine which term to use? I suppose these are those types of goofy questions, those who considered themselves intellectually superior used to send around via fax during the days when email was in its infancy. Questions like "Why do drive up ATM's have braille number pads?" (Answer: So blind people can use them!) Or "Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?"  (Answer: Parkways refer to streets or avenues with grassy PARK-type medians. Driveway refers to the entryWAY in which to DRIVE your car and park before entering your home). Yes, I was a person who found these silly ponderables a waste of time.

The only thing I've ever lost sleep over is why watermelon candy tastes nothing like watermelon, or why they are called Grape Nuts when I've yet to see any grapes or nuts in the cereal. And, who decided to put milk in cereal? Did they ever try any other liquids? And while we are on the subject of milk, why is that when I put Hershey's syrup in a glass of milk, it still never tastes as good as the pre-made stuff at the store? And, why did Baskin-Robbins cut off at 31? Why did Izod stop putting little alligators on their shirts? Why do people ruin perfectly good pies with meringue? Why do my teenagers eat their dinners using perfect manners, consume all the food on their plates, engage in polite conversation, clear their plates and glasses from the table, rinse them, and yet always, ALWAYS forget to put the dishes in the dishwasher? What the heck did the ending of "Lost" mean?

Well, I've digressed from the original subject of this blog: Nothing! Or was I mistaken? Is it possible to write about nothing? These last few sentences have me thinking, "No! It's not possible!" So here we are. I'm writing, and you're reading a blog about nothing. Want some good books about nothing? They're not here. Every book in the Library is about SOMETHING, from treatises on the horrors of socialism to stories about dinosaurs dealing with the drudgery of doing laundry. I haven't listened to any music about nothing...although some subjects and their singers may seem vapid...there are some great poetic songs about partyin' at the honkey-tonk and tunes about first loves. There aren't any videos about nothing...except maybe the brilliantly hilarious "Seinfeld," which was considered to be a show about nothing. 

I am finding it difficult to write about nothing. I've just written several paragraphs on the subject. And hey, if I have nothing to write about it, I've also got nothing to talk about. So, come visit me at the Library. Or any of my other fellow librarians. I'm sure we can find plenty of Nothings to talk about for hours on end. That's what we're here for.

Tim P.
Smithville Branch